Forgiveness: When I Found Peace About Losing My Memory

Memories. Our life practically revolves around them. We are always doing one of two things when it comes to memories: making them or remembering them.  In life, we make all types of memories, good ones, bad ones, mediocre ones, exciting ones, etc.  Without memories, would we truly be living life?  Imagine one day you woke up and something was different.  Maybe you remember your suitemates, your professors, some of your friends,, but there was an all too looming feeling that you weren’t remembering something important.  You would see faces that you recognized, but you couldn’t place where you knew them.  You would here familiar names, but you couldn’t quite put your finger on where you knew the name.  You might even look through your phone and see yourself in pictures with the same people over and over again.. but there were faces you couldn’t place.  There were events you didn’t remember happening.  These people in your pictures were your best friends, but you couldn’t remember who half of them were.  So you ask the friends you can remember about these mysterious faces in your pictures. They would say things like, “Oh you got into an argument with him/her last week,” or “Oh, he/she is one of your best friends. You are always goofing off together,” or even “Oh he/ she was you ex-girlfriend/boyfriend (or even you had the biggest crush on him/her).”  Imagine not being able to remember key people or events in your life.  It’s scary. We cling so closely to memories they practically drive our lives.  Memories are how we keep up with friendships and romances and even sometimes whom we are angry with.  Memories run our lives.  And one day you can wake up…and they are gone.  Maybe over the next few days, things will happen here and there that spark you to remember something or your friends will remind you of something you have to do…but you still feel like you are missing a key ingredient to the recipe that is your life.  In life, you never know when something will happen that will change the way you look at things.  For me, it was losing my memory.  It was as simple as I had a POTS spell one night, and I woke up the next day and was missing key memories. It was like a thief came in the night and stole a bag full of really important information from deep within my psyche.   I walked to class and people would say hi to me and ask me how I was doing, and I had no clue who they were.  I would sit at an event I knew I was supposed to be completely unsure of why I was supposed to be there.  I would have some of my best friends come up and talk to me about something we did together or something I had just tried and I would have no clue what they were talking about…and when they figured out I couldn’t remember who they were, I could tell it really bothered them.  Throughout the day, I would maybe remember one or two things (and of course as soon as I did and I realized I had the persons phone number I would text them and tell them what I remembered), but I still couldn’t quite pinpoint my relationship with the person. People could tell me all day long that they were my friend/teacher/etc, but it still wasn’t ringing a bell. It was an utterly helpless feeling…to begin with at least.  As I continued the process of trying to remember, I began to think about God’s process of forgiveness. When we ask for forgiveness, God wipes our slate clean (I don’t know if he forgets our past or what but that’s a different topic for a different day).  So in wiping our slate clean, our transgressions are obliterated (for all intensive purposes), which is quite amazing.  In losing my memory, yes I have forgotten some good things (which God DOESN’T do), but I have also forgotten the bad.  Like my friends can tell me, “Oh, you got into an argument with that person,” but I don’t remember it. Which makes it like the forgiveness of God in the fact that the old is gone and all that can be made from here on out is new. SO when we get forgiven, we are made clean and those “fights” (aka transgressions) aren’t a problem anymore. God sees us as a new person and begins a new relationship with us. So in losing my memory I have learned a lot about forgiveness.  Will the memories come back? I don’t know, maybe eventually. But until then it’s kind of like a new beginning. Like a clean slate. So in that, who knows I may be getting a second chance to make new and different memories with the people who surround me.  And although this is an exceedingly frustrating and uncomfortable trial I have to tackle right now, I know God is using it in some way.

Isaiah 1:18

"Come now, let us settle the matter," says the LORD. "Though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they are red as crimson, they shall be like wool.”

2 Corinthians 5:17

“Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here!”

Finding Joy in Pain: Because Perfection Isn't Called For

Sometimes in life we have to get hurt. It’s a necessary evil in life.  Sometimes you have to get hurt to truly feel joy.  Sometimes you have to get hurt to realize you deserve better. Sometimes you have to get hurt to give you an appreciation for what you have. Pain is necessary in life.  Let’s be honest…Life is not all sunshine and rainbows.  Life really sucks sometimes.  Like when your dog dies, or you fail a test, or when a friend betrays you.  Life can be really sucky.  I can sit here and muse about how life stinks or why life stinks, but I’m not going to do that.  Instead, I am going to ask the simple question, “What do you do with the sucky situations in your life?” When life gets hard you have two choices, you can either give up, or you can let it propel you forward.  Personally, I choose the second option. But take a moment to think how you handle failure and betrayal? Do you sit there and feel sorry for yourself; of do you get up off your butt and do something about it?  Oh, you don’t feel like enough? Get up off your butt and start working. Oh, your best friend betrayed you? Realize that you are worth more than someone who tears you down and makes you feel like a lesser person. I know all of these things sound harsh, but you can’t sit on your butt and beat yourself up over things you can’t control. SO, instead you have to get up and do something about the things you can control. In life bad things happen. In life we are betrayed and hurt. We get in fights with our friends and we make bad grades, but we can’t let those situations define us. Out worth is not found in these earthly things. We are not called to be perfect and we are not called for our lives to be perfect. What we are called to do is do the best we can and make the best of every situation. For example here are a couple of scenarios:

Problem: You make a C on your biology test.

Solution: No, biology might not be your strongest subject, but you can study even harder for the next test and DO THE BEST YOU CAN.

Problem: The boy you have had a crush on for the last year turns you down when you finally get the guts to tell him how you feel.

Solution: Realize you are not defined by his opinion of you and your heavenly father has someone even better in store for you. You might be a beautiful apple, but this guy might just hate apples. Just remember you are a force of nature and DO THE BEST YOU CAN to find your worth in the Lord.

Problem: Your best friend stabs you in the back and makes you feel like complete crap.

Solution: Take this event and let it help you realize that people are human. They make mistakes and they do hurtful things, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t love them. Yes it hurts, but you have to DO THE BEST YOU CAN to forgive the person.

Problem: You make a mistake that is against all of your moral values and you feel completely worthless.

Solution: You have to realize your human. You have to realize you are going to mess up and you are going to make the wrong choice, but God still loves you. You are still his prized possession.  So you have to DO THE BEST YOU CAN to forgive yourself, accept God’s forgiveness, and try not to make the same mistake again.

As you can see (and you probably know), life really stinks sometimes.  Bad things happen, we do bad things, and life can be completely and utterly unfortunate, but that doesn’t mean we are worthless. It just means we are all works in progress.  God isn’t finished with any of us yet, and he doesn’t expect us to be perfect (SHOCKER right?).  We have to remember that we are called to do the best we can in this life.  All we can do is try and make the best out of every situation and live for Christ.  I know life is going to get you down sometimes, but instead of sulking and letting it set you back, let it propel you towards amazing things. Realize that in life pain and joy go hand in hand, but that simple fact is  one of the things that makes life so beautiful.

John 15:18-19

“If the world hates you, keep in mind that it hated me first. If you belonged to the world, it would love you as its own. As it is, you do not belong to the world, but I have chosen you out of the world. That is why the world hates you.”

John 17:14-18

“I have given them your word and the world has hated them, for they are not of the world any more than I am of the world. My prayer is not that you take them out of the world but that you protect them from the evil one. ¹⁶ They are not of the world, even as I am not of it. Sanctify them by^[d] the truth; your word is truth. As you sent me into the world, I have sent them into the world.”

In Sickness and In Health

I am sick. There...I said it. That is probably one of the hardest things for me to admit. I pretend it's not there. I go on as if everything is normal. I am strong for myself and everyone around me, and I ignore the problem at hand because I don't like the term sick. The term sick makes me feel like damaged goods, and I don't do the whole "poor pitiful me I'm damaged goods no one wants damaged goods" thing, so instead I've decided to refer to this whole thing as "facing my demons." As morbid as that sounds, it works because you can't control sickness, but you can control how you face your demons, and when I think the word "demon" I think of the one who is fighting next to me...I Am.  I really like the term I Am for God because it encompasses the fullness and entirety of everything God is...like fill in whatever adjective you want behind I Am and that's God. I Am loving. I Am just. I Am. It just makes sense...but I digress. So yes, I Am and I are having to face my demons with a lot more force than normal lately. POTS or whatever this is (since apparently whatever is wrong with me is in question now) has been completely kicking my butt. Between feeling like my body has just run a marathon 24/7 and losing my legs in random places all over the lovely Methodist campus, life has been pretty hard lately, and let's not forget my memory is practically non-existent at the moment (LOL see what I did there). So yeah, life isn't east right now...but I have had some interesting enlightenments through this entire thing:

1) When I talked to my doctor last week he began to name off conditions this could possibly be that aren't POTS, which is pretty scary.  So the next day I called up one of my best friends because I needed one of our heart to hearts and some help discerning what was going on here, so he picked me up with a bottle of nesquick (because that solves the problems of life) and we were off.  While we were talking I was telling him ho hard it was for me to have to depend on others because I am so used to being there for everyone else and helping everyone else, and that makes it very tough to accept help from people. That is when he reminded me of the man on the mat that could not walk who had his friends lower him from the ceiling in the temple so Jesus could heal him. Had it not been for his friends, he might not have ever been healed.  So when I began to think about this whole situation like that, it kind of reminded me why God made us to be in communion with each other.  He didn't make humans to be alone and fend for themselves, he made them to be companions and seek companionship.  Which is why friends are so important, and those friends might just be the people who lower you mat down to be healed by Jesus.

2) A couple days ago I came across two verses that really made an impact on me and my whole"feeling like I'm in a hallway" situation.  The first verse was Exodus 33:12-14:
"Moses said to the Lord, “You have been telling me, ‘Lead these people,’ but you have not let me know whom you will send with me. You have said, ‘I know you by name and you have found favor with me.’ 13 If you are pleased with me, teach me your ways so I may know you and continue to find favor with you. Remember that this nation is your people.”

14 The Lord replied, “My Presence will go with you, and I will give you rest.”

The second verse was John 9:11:

"He replied, "The man they call Jesus made some mud and put it on my eyes. He told me to go to Siloam and wash. So I went and washed, and then I could see." 

Both of these scriptures were incredibly interesting to me in the fact that it was basically God once again telling me to be patient, but this time, he was also telling me to rest and that he was with me. I also think he was telling me that he is using me, but I just can't see it yet....but one thing I can be sure of is that one of these days the mud will be coming off my eyes, and I will be able to see clearly.

3) The last way in which God really spoke to me this week was the whole idea of why do bad things happen to good people.  In John 9:3 Jesus discusses with the disciples that the blind man nor his parents had sinned to cause his blindness, but instead, he was blind so that the works of God might be displayed in him. I feel like I have always kind of known this, but for some reason, this idea took on a new meaning to me this week.  Ya know, I don't know why I am having to fight these demons. I don't know why I am having to face the trials I am going through right now, but one thing I do know is that God is doing something.  I hope God is going to use what I am dealing with right now to show how powerful and mighty he is because that would make this whole ordeal worth it.

SO... yeah life kind of sucks right now, but I can tell God is working.  He is enlightening me, he is teaching me patience, and he is teaching me that is is okay to need other people.  Through this situation, I have been blessed.  God has blessed me with amazing friends who are willing to take care of me when I can't care for myself (maybe I'm helping them prepare for their future medical careers IDK lol), whether that be by icing me down or using there bruit man/woman strength to carry my heavy butt up to my apartment.  God is revealing himself, God is working, and God has a lot more left to do with me.  I don't know what the future holds. I don't know how I am going to keep going most days, but one thing I do know is that with God all things are possible.

What I Learned from My First Beauty Pageant- Finding Beauty in the Imperfections

Hello again friends.  Well, this week has certainly been a crazy whirlwind of events and lessons learned...probably because it was a week of reaching outside of my comfort zone.  This week I was in my first beauty pageant. I know, shocker, but it was definitely an experience that taught me a lot....like how you can hold your dress up and high heels on with hairspray (who knew!).  But the learning did not stop there..this week..this pageant....taught me all sorts of things about the idea of "perfection".  The idea how draining and ridiculous the idea of "perfection" is was brought to my attention in huddles after I gave my testimony.  Our girls huddle sat after FCA and talked about how we all hide behind these masks we use to try and hide our imperfections from the world....because we have this consuming need to be "perfect".  "Perfection" is a crazy thought.  To think that we could ever be "perfect" on our own is an even crazier thought. We all wear these fancy masks to try and pull the whole "perfect" image off all the time, and it's not only girls, guys do it too.  We think if we can look like we have it all together and like our life is "perfect", everything will be okay and no one will be able to see our weaknesses. It really is a crazy thought.  Then later in the week I encountered the idea of "perfection" once again in chapel.  Our speaker for that service talked about her freshman year in college, and how she wore these masks to make her the perfect fit for the different groups she was involved in.  She discussed how draining it was trying to be perfect and how the only thing the masks  she wore accomplished was to make her feel more alone than she had ever felt.  Once again, the idea of "perfection" tried to suck the life out of a wonderful child of God.  Then came the night of the Miss Methodist pageant, which was very eye-opening in this whole process of discerning the concept of "perfection".  When I have always thought of pageants I have always thought of these perfect, flawless girls who are super fit and beautiful.  I would have never even immagined puttiing myself in the running for competing in a beauty pageant.  I mean I have acne, I have some fat around my middle, my hair is a mess the majority of the time (because yes I hate brushing my hair).  Before this year, I would have never even considered entering the "pageant world" because I did not consider myself "perfect" enough, but for some crazy reason I decided I wanted to be able to say I had tried a beauty pageant, so I entered Miss Methodist.  When I entered I decided if I was going to do this, I was going to make it as little about me as possible and as much about glorifying God as possible.  Going in I knew I was probably not going to win, I was probably not even going to make the top 5....and I was fine with that because I had a plan for this whole experience.  My plan was to sing a praise and worship song as my talent, and maybe, just maybe, I would be able to fill that place with God and show people a little piece of who he is and how much he loves us...because I knew even though I didn't feel "perfect" enough to be in this pageant, I might could use my gifts to glorify him in a very different way.  That night...I know God was there. I was standing on the stage and singing for him, and I could hear the audience singing along.  I felt like God was allowing me to lead worship in a unique way in a unique venue (let's be honest who would ever think of having a little praise and worship moment in the middle of a beauty pageant).  In that moment, I felt God working through me, and I felt beautiful in my imperfections....I felt filled to the brim with the holy spirit.  Later that night I went on to (surprisingly) make it into the top 5, and later be crowned Miss Congeniality.  It was overall a great night..not because I did well,,, but because I know God worked through me...even though I didn't consider myself "perfect."  Then to finish my week I went to church this morning, and the preacher preached on masks and perfection, and I was like "Okay God I know you are trying to tell me something."  The preacher talked about how we are not perfect, and how we are broken and covered in sin, and we try to hide it under these masks that make us look "perfect".  But God made us in his image and made us just as we are, and he has rescued us from our imperfections when he let his son die on the cross for us.  I was kind of like "holy cow God" because it finally clicked that he had basically been telling me all week that I am made beautiful in my imperfections.  He was showing me perfection is impossible and unachievable, no one is perfect, and that that's okay because he rescued us.  I think we get so caught up in being perfect that we forget what God actually put on this earth for, and that is to be his hands and feet.  He put us here to glorify him in EVERYTHING we do...not to be perfect.  I tend to believe God does not call us to be perfect, but he calls us to give him our best.  It's like playing a sport, you don't have to be the best to make a difference, but you have to give it your best to make a difference.  We are all imperfect, we are all flawed, we are all covered in sin, but the cross made us white as snow.  We are made perfect in our imperfections by God's love, and God see's beauty in our imperfections.  Just like in the beauty pageant, No, I was not the most beautiful girl up there, no I was not the most talented girl up there, no I was not the most elegant or well-spoken girl, but God still spoke through me. He used me even though I am not perfect, even though I am a broken vessel...just like he uses each and every one of you every day of your lives.  So quit trying to be perfect and getting caught up in trying to wear a mask to hide all of your imperfections. Instead, embrace them.  We are all broken vessels, so use everything about you (imperfections and all) to praise the Lord.  You don't have to be the best or be perfect...you just have to give him your best every day.
It's like I always say to the people I love when they are struggling with the idea of perfection: You don't have to be perfect. There is beauty to be found in imperfection (and I would know). We are all broken. We all struggle. We make mistakes. We all overthink and get too much in our minds. But that's okay. As people, we are not damaged goods. We are whole in christ... and that's where the beauty in the imperfection comes in. So stay strong and remember to find beauty in the imperfections.

"Looking at his disciples, he said:

“Blessed are you who are poor,
    for yours is the kingdom of God.

Blessed are you who hunger now,    for you will be satisfied.
Blessed are you who weep now,
    for you will laugh.

Blessed are you when people hate you,    when they exclude you and insult you
    and reject your name as evil,
        because of the Son of Man."

Luke 6:20-22

" He makes everything beautiful in its time"

Ecclesiastes 3:11

So Many Doors, but None are Open

Hello my lovely friends. I know it has been a while since we chatted, but this whole adjusting back to college thing has kicked my butt. Also, I've been trying to figure out what to say to you. Life has honestly been kicking my butt lately. It seems like everything piles up and it just feels like you're drowning. You know God has amazing plans for your life, but you are sitting at a stand still. Personally, lately it has felt like God has been leading me towards doors that were wide open, and as soon as I walk up to them they are slammed and locked in my face. Now I feel like I'm stuck in a hallway in front of a closed and locked door that God keeps pushing me towards, and I just don't get it. Why does God keep leading me toward closed doors, it's the most frustrating thing I have ever experienced. It's like God has this amazing plan, but I am blind and stuck in a waiting game. I always go back to John 13:7, "You don't know now what I'm doing, but someday you will." Yeah I'm confused and frustrated and honestly kind of want to scream... But God is still good. God is still doing what is best for me, and he is using this to teach me a lesson. I don't know what it is yet, but one day I will. God always puts people and situations in your life for a purpose, even though we don't know his reason most of the time. Thay is where faith comes in. We have to have faith that God is going to get us exactly where we need to be, exactly when we need to be there. So keep that faith and keep your head up, God is doing something big.

Life and its Conglomeration of Crazy Interestingness

Life is interesting. I don't understand it, and I know I never will. People come and go in our life. Some people hurt us, and others help us heal. Some lead us on, and some are genuine in there actions. Life is confusing. 

Life is chaotic. We are always running back and fourth. We are always trying to get and assignment in on time or makenit to a meeting or rehersal on time. We are always moving in the fast lane toward our future.

Sometimes in this crazy, chaotic thing we like to call life we forget what matters. We forget to forge friendships and try to see the best in people. We forget to make changes in out lives, like cutting out hair or trying something new. We forget to tell people we love them amd have there backs. We ignore amazing peopl who are staring us right in the face because they don't fit our "mold" or we are to busy to truly begin to embrace them and their presence. And the biggest thing I think we forget is why we were put here on earth.

In our daily lives a relationship with God is si important. It is what will allow us to enjoy today and quite worrying about the future. Our relationship with God will allow us to see and try nee things, and meet new people and make new fri nds... But we have to make time for him. We have to make time to talk to not only talk to him, but to listen for him to speak tonus. Whether that is through quite time, reading your bible, or listening to christian music, you have to take that time. So my froends, I challenege you to begin to take that time to listen to God speak to you. Stay beautiful lovlies. 

Musings of an Insomniac- What If I Died?

I don’t sleep anymore. I can’t sleep anymore. Most nights I stay up until early the next morning because I can no longer find sleep.  This of course is another side effect of my continuously changing POTS, but I deal with it.  This insomnia gives me the chance to A) watch plenty of Grey’s Anatomy (which tonight helped me realize just how terrified I am of an active shooter) or B) Think a little to much (which an be dangerous to me).  Option A sometimes fills me with great joy, yet in some cases terrifies me because of the whole active shooter thing.  Option B causes me to come to interesting realizations, while also terrifying me because of the whole active shooter thing.  Sometimes when I choose option B I begin to worry about my friends who haven’t texted me back in 2 days because I am afraid they are dead on the side of the road somewhere.  Option B also lets me think a lot about my life and the changes I need to make.  Tonight’s musings (probably because of the whole active shooter thing) have been what people would say about me if I died. I know that is an extremely gory thought, but in my mind it’s kind of important.  If I were to die tomorrow how would it affect my friends? How would it affect my family? What would people remember about me? Am I leaving the legacy I want to leave?  Who’s life would I have changed for the better? Would anyone be glad I was gone?  I like to think people would be glad I was with God, but I know that would probably be an impossible outcome, which causes me to wonder.  Would people be devastated, or would they be just like “Oh that’s sad”?  I don’t know. I know this whole post sounds extremely sad, but in my mind its really not.  It’s kind of encouraging.  It encourages me to live my life in a way to leave an impact.  It encourages me to live as the hands and feet of Christ, which will hopefully show people how much they are loved.  Honestly, I just want to help people.  I just want to make a difference.  I want people to feel loved and know they have people in their corner.  It’s probably selfish to want to make that kind of difference, but I really don’t want it to be for my glory, I want it to be for Christ’s glory.  If I were to die tomorrow I would want people to be able to say, “I could see God in her.”  I would want them to say “She showed me what love was” or  “She showed me Christ, and that changed my life.” I just want to use my life to love people. I just want to use my life to help people.  I want to live out my purpose; I want to live out the great commission. I want to live before it is too late. I want to make a difference before it is to late.  If I were to die tomorrow, I would want to be able to say I truly lived.  That I truly lived out extravagant love.  So  I challenge you my friends to figure out what you are living for.

Much Love,

Faith Abigail