In Sickness and In Health

I am sick. There...I said it. That is probably one of the hardest things for me to admit. I pretend it's not there. I go on as if everything is normal. I am strong for myself and everyone around me, and I ignore the problem at hand because I don't like the term sick. The term sick makes me feel like damaged goods, and I don't do the whole "poor pitiful me I'm damaged goods no one wants damaged goods" thing, so instead I've decided to refer to this whole thing as "facing my demons." As morbid as that sounds, it works because you can't control sickness, but you can control how you face your demons, and when I think the word "demon" I think of the one who is fighting next to me...I Am.  I really like the term I Am for God because it encompasses the fullness and entirety of everything God is...like fill in whatever adjective you want behind I Am and that's God. I Am loving. I Am just. I Am. It just makes sense...but I digress. So yes, I Am and I are having to face my demons with a lot more force than normal lately. POTS or whatever this is (since apparently whatever is wrong with me is in question now) has been completely kicking my butt. Between feeling like my body has just run a marathon 24/7 and losing my legs in random places all over the lovely Methodist campus, life has been pretty hard lately, and let's not forget my memory is practically non-existent at the moment (LOL see what I did there). So yeah, life isn't east right now...but I have had some interesting enlightenments through this entire thing:

1) When I talked to my doctor last week he began to name off conditions this could possibly be that aren't POTS, which is pretty scary.  So the next day I called up one of my best friends because I needed one of our heart to hearts and some help discerning what was going on here, so he picked me up with a bottle of nesquick (because that solves the problems of life) and we were off.  While we were talking I was telling him ho hard it was for me to have to depend on others because I am so used to being there for everyone else and helping everyone else, and that makes it very tough to accept help from people. That is when he reminded me of the man on the mat that could not walk who had his friends lower him from the ceiling in the temple so Jesus could heal him. Had it not been for his friends, he might not have ever been healed.  So when I began to think about this whole situation like that, it kind of reminded me why God made us to be in communion with each other.  He didn't make humans to be alone and fend for themselves, he made them to be companions and seek companionship.  Which is why friends are so important, and those friends might just be the people who lower you mat down to be healed by Jesus.

2) A couple days ago I came across two verses that really made an impact on me and my whole"feeling like I'm in a hallway" situation.  The first verse was Exodus 33:12-14:
"Moses said to the Lord, “You have been telling me, ‘Lead these people,’ but you have not let me know whom you will send with me. You have said, ‘I know you by name and you have found favor with me.’ 13 If you are pleased with me, teach me your ways so I may know you and continue to find favor with you. Remember that this nation is your people.”

14 The Lord replied, “My Presence will go with you, and I will give you rest.”

The second verse was John 9:11:

"He replied, "The man they call Jesus made some mud and put it on my eyes. He told me to go to Siloam and wash. So I went and washed, and then I could see." 

Both of these scriptures were incredibly interesting to me in the fact that it was basically God once again telling me to be patient, but this time, he was also telling me to rest and that he was with me. I also think he was telling me that he is using me, but I just can't see it yet....but one thing I can be sure of is that one of these days the mud will be coming off my eyes, and I will be able to see clearly.

3) The last way in which God really spoke to me this week was the whole idea of why do bad things happen to good people.  In John 9:3 Jesus discusses with the disciples that the blind man nor his parents had sinned to cause his blindness, but instead, he was blind so that the works of God might be displayed in him. I feel like I have always kind of known this, but for some reason, this idea took on a new meaning to me this week.  Ya know, I don't know why I am having to fight these demons. I don't know why I am having to face the trials I am going through right now, but one thing I do know is that God is doing something.  I hope God is going to use what I am dealing with right now to show how powerful and mighty he is because that would make this whole ordeal worth it.

SO... yeah life kind of sucks right now, but I can tell God is working.  He is enlightening me, he is teaching me patience, and he is teaching me that is is okay to need other people.  Through this situation, I have been blessed.  God has blessed me with amazing friends who are willing to take care of me when I can't care for myself (maybe I'm helping them prepare for their future medical careers IDK lol), whether that be by icing me down or using there bruit man/woman strength to carry my heavy butt up to my apartment.  God is revealing himself, God is working, and God has a lot more left to do with me.  I don't know what the future holds. I don't know how I am going to keep going most days, but one thing I do know is that with God all things are possible.