Musings of an Insomniac- What If I Died?

I don’t sleep anymore. I can’t sleep anymore. Most nights I stay up until early the next morning because I can no longer find sleep.  This of course is another side effect of my continuously changing POTS, but I deal with it.  This insomnia gives me the chance to A) watch plenty of Grey’s Anatomy (which tonight helped me realize just how terrified I am of an active shooter) or B) Think a little to much (which an be dangerous to me).  Option A sometimes fills me with great joy, yet in some cases terrifies me because of the whole active shooter thing.  Option B causes me to come to interesting realizations, while also terrifying me because of the whole active shooter thing.  Sometimes when I choose option B I begin to worry about my friends who haven’t texted me back in 2 days because I am afraid they are dead on the side of the road somewhere.  Option B also lets me think a lot about my life and the changes I need to make.  Tonight’s musings (probably because of the whole active shooter thing) have been what people would say about me if I died. I know that is an extremely gory thought, but in my mind it’s kind of important.  If I were to die tomorrow how would it affect my friends? How would it affect my family? What would people remember about me? Am I leaving the legacy I want to leave?  Who’s life would I have changed for the better? Would anyone be glad I was gone?  I like to think people would be glad I was with God, but I know that would probably be an impossible outcome, which causes me to wonder.  Would people be devastated, or would they be just like “Oh that’s sad”?  I don’t know. I know this whole post sounds extremely sad, but in my mind its really not.  It’s kind of encouraging.  It encourages me to live my life in a way to leave an impact.  It encourages me to live as the hands and feet of Christ, which will hopefully show people how much they are loved.  Honestly, I just want to help people.  I just want to make a difference.  I want people to feel loved and know they have people in their corner.  It’s probably selfish to want to make that kind of difference, but I really don’t want it to be for my glory, I want it to be for Christ’s glory.  If I were to die tomorrow I would want people to be able to say, “I could see God in her.”  I would want them to say “She showed me what love was” or  “She showed me Christ, and that changed my life.” I just want to use my life to love people. I just want to use my life to help people.  I want to live out my purpose; I want to live out the great commission. I want to live before it is too late. I want to make a difference before it is to late.  If I were to die tomorrow, I would want to be able to say I truly lived.  That I truly lived out extravagant love.  So  I challenge you my friends to figure out what you are living for.

Much Love,

Faith Abigail